Griffin Speaks

AN EXOTIC PET

I am in the market for an exotic pet. To be exact I am in the market for a pet chimpanzee. Everyone that I have shared this with think that I have lost my mind. My search for a pet chimp has been very interesting. 

The selling of exotic animals has escalated into a multibillion-dollar industry in which a chimp can be ordered over the internet. I will most likely have to pay $40,000.00 to $60,000.00 for a well trained chimp. 

In my conversation with potential sellers I have informed them that I am looking for a chimp that can do the following without complaint: she must be able to vacuum, iron, place dirty clothes in the washing machine, clean the toilet, cook a simple meal, fix my dad’s lunch, put gas in the car, cut the lawn, feed the dogs, wash the cars, prepare my mother’s breakfast, grill ribs etc. etc. 

With a click of a mouse, I can bring a new member into my family. Alabama does not have an exotic animal law according to the officials at the Department of Conservation and Natural Resources and the Agricultural Department. By most estimates, there are approximately 400 chimpanzees living in human homes, or unwitting non consenting employees of roadside zoos. 

My research has also revealed that a chimp may not necessarily make a good house pet. For one thing a chimp can live well over fifty years. That is quite a commitment. A full grown chimp can lift 600 pounds without any problem. Chimps are hard to toilet train. A chimp is always challenging its owner to see if he can whip his butt. Just ask Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson’s cuddly little chimp named Bubbles was pampered. He had twenty matching designer outfits and got his own hotel room when he traveled with Michael. When he grew up I am told that he slugged Michael. This whipping caused Michael to give his eleven year old chimp to a private zoo. 

The jury is still out. I haven’t quite convinced Debra that we should invest $40,000.00 to $60,000.00 to purchase a chimp. She has raised the issue that Greg Jr. will be starting college soon. Well I think we can earn a lot of money off the chimp if he is well trained. I may start a cleaning service called “Monkey Business”. 

In the words of my dad, Dr. Melvin J. Griffin Sr. “no monkey is fixing my lunch!”